Sheriff Julie Forester (Elisabeth Shue) is a single mother in charge of the waters surrounding Lake Victoria, a seemingly quiet Arizona town annually invaded by throngs of douche bags and whores every Spring Break. Julie puts her seventeen year old son Jake (Steven R. McQueen) in charge of watching his two little siblings so she can skim the waters for, I guess vomit, but this Babysitting Diaries plan goes awry almost immediately. There are three problems. 1) An underwater earthquake has opened up a subterranean portal, releasing swarms of cannibalistic piranhas. 2) Porn producer Jerry O’Connell has enlisted her son as an impromptu location scout for his newest seedy film. 3) Nanny McPhee had a previous engagement, returning, somewhere else.
Let’s kegstand on this earthquake issue first. These particular piranhas were thought to have gone the way of dragons almost two million years ago, but according to frizzy-haired mad scientist Mr. Goodman (Christopher Lloyd), they’ve managed to survive in an underwater lake, cannibalizing each other and waiting for the day they’d once again get to taste human flesh. I’d be inclined to question his credentials, but I feel like I’ve seen this movie before, and I’d end up with DeLorean backfire and singing telegram blood on my face.
The second concern at hand involves a coked-out porn king (Jerry O’Connell). He, along with his assistant (Paul Scheer), have rented a boat to film barely-legal shenanigans for personal profit, but the dude they hired to show ‘em around cancelled at the last minute (not Nanny McPhee) and it seemed Jake Forester would do just as well. They’re obviously not aware of the piranhas yet, but even if they were, men have done a lot more to peep on a lot less. And coke is involved.
